Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front.
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Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.
Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing down at the 9/11 museum caf , and extravagant new window blinds are inspired by the latest styles from Venice.
Noting that it would be nice to finally have a little spending cash on hand, both Pittsfield High School junior Marissa Klemp and chemistry teacher Rebecca Murphy applied for the same seasonal waitress position at a local diner, sources confirmed Thurs... Full article.
Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.
The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
The new Wolfenstein game lets players experience an immersive alternate reality in which France, Denmark, Canada or any other country of their choice won WWII, and now rules the world with an iron fist.
The day-long holiday paying tribute to the ones who selflessly gave us life was successfully wrapped up nearly 20 minutes after it began.
A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can t change who you are, and a bodybuilder s veins are now outside of his skin.
A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Criminal Psychology has found a nearly perfect statistical correlation between children who were denied a toy they wanted when visiting a store with their parents and the later development of homicidal... Full article.
After years of launching shuttles, probes, and telescopes to see what the universe had to offer, NASA says it's ready to appreciate the planet right in front of it.
The screaming whirlwind of drunkenness has been gathering strength all week and has already made a mess of herself in a number of local bars.
A new census report reveals the U.S. has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45-minute guitar solo, and Picasso s Guernica triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York ...
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Citizen Kane' in this week's Film Standard
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