Andrea Bennett and Jason Copeland look ahead at the long months remaining before this election is finally over.
Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.
Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.
A local dog is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn t in a goddamn economic crisis, Mitt Romney gets stick in an endless loop of uncomfortable chuckling, and a woman was oddly not leered at or harassed at any point in her day.
Mandatory Viewing For All Americans
Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years.
Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.
The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...
BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like 'Blood child, blood on the child' and 'must the president look at people' could tell us about Mitt Romney.
Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.
Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he is terrified of what will happen to him if he ever stops campaigning for the highest office in the land, sources conf...
New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day. Full report at 2:00 p.m. EDT/1:00 p.m. CDT.
Less than two months after joining the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, recently recruited operative Umar Hassan told reporters Tuesday he has already grown tired of listening to senior terrorists brag about the attacks of Sept.
Thanksgiving is ruined thanks to the accidental and terrifying release of serial rapist Tom Gobbler.
The $500 million Powerball drawing has been delayed after officials admitted they can't find the lotto balls anywhere.
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