Captain's Log, five cards short of a full deck - With my high-school reunion coming up, I needed to look swankier than ever, so I got busy with my do-it-yourself liposuction kit. As the coolest kid in school, my former classmates had depended on me, right up until graduation, for every nanosecond of happiness, humor or hot backseat sex they had ever had. I wasn't going to betray that sacred trust now. By the time I stepped into the limopod with Six on my arm and T'Nuk crammed in the trunk, I was a lean, mean, spitballing machine once again. At the party, I was working my usual mojo when Darph Bobo pranced in, pretending he was a hipster evil mastermind instead of the cosmically dorky blob of nerd-flesh he'd been back in the day. People even pretended to be impressed until my first prank of the night landed him on his ass with a punch bowl on his head.